what if.....?
I have learned a lot about grief that I thought I already knew. It's stuff I tell people who are grieving - stuff like "There is no right way...everyone does it differently" and "Yes, it is normal to think you are going crazy". I read all this stuff in books and now for the second time in two years, I am facing it myself. I am an orphan.
My grief over my mom didn't result in what most people might consider "normal grief"....a lot of crying, for example. Of course I cried but mostly I felt numb and like I was packed in cotton and sort of segregated from the rest of the world. I am sure my sister and brother experienced it differently too. I was okay with staying at my mom's house and getting rid of all her clothes right away. I was okay with speaking at the funeral.
I went through the "what ifs" and "I should haves". What if we would have gotten her to a place that could provide more advanced care? I should have said more to her when I talked to her that last morning. Her last words to me were "I feel really dizzy". My last words to her were "I am going to call Barbara". Really though my last words were when she was in the hospital and I told her I loved her and she didn't have to wait for me. I hope she heard them.
I even thought "what if she isn't really dead?". The day she died, I thought that maybe they made a mistake and it was someone else's mom who died. They would call me later and apologize profusely and then tell me that they had made a mistake and she was doing fine and asking to go to the casino. I would first be irate that they made such a mistake and then just be grateful and take her to the casino every day.
My sister and I even joked that maybe someone abducted her from the hospital. People who want babies try to steal them from hospitals so maybe someone who needed a grandma stole her and took her to a big medical center and cured her and now she is living in Venice, where she always wanted to go. She just hasn't been able to write to us yet and let us know.
I know that all of this is wishful thinking. I know we did our best for her. I know we have great relatives, friends and family who helped us to get through this. I also know there's more grief to experience in this life and I will get through it. But for now, I am going to just appreciate life and the people I love while I can.
I think I turned a corner today. So did my sister. She did not have one cigarette today and sounded more positive. I had no wine. I felt a little of the fog lift and so I lifted some weights instead of laying on the bed at 7 Pm and watching "House" reruns. Even my brother, the alcoholic seems different. He was drinking buttermilk and watching TV when I called him. He seems like he is at a turning point in his life. Who knows?
I will never stop missing my mom (or wishfully thinking she is in Venice). I will however, continue to live and be grateful for all the years I had her and the things she has given me that make me who I am...for better or for worse.
My grief over my mom didn't result in what most people might consider "normal grief"....a lot of crying, for example. Of course I cried but mostly I felt numb and like I was packed in cotton and sort of segregated from the rest of the world. I am sure my sister and brother experienced it differently too. I was okay with staying at my mom's house and getting rid of all her clothes right away. I was okay with speaking at the funeral.
I went through the "what ifs" and "I should haves". What if we would have gotten her to a place that could provide more advanced care? I should have said more to her when I talked to her that last morning. Her last words to me were "I feel really dizzy". My last words to her were "I am going to call Barbara". Really though my last words were when she was in the hospital and I told her I loved her and she didn't have to wait for me. I hope she heard them.
I even thought "what if she isn't really dead?". The day she died, I thought that maybe they made a mistake and it was someone else's mom who died. They would call me later and apologize profusely and then tell me that they had made a mistake and she was doing fine and asking to go to the casino. I would first be irate that they made such a mistake and then just be grateful and take her to the casino every day.
My sister and I even joked that maybe someone abducted her from the hospital. People who want babies try to steal them from hospitals so maybe someone who needed a grandma stole her and took her to a big medical center and cured her and now she is living in Venice, where she always wanted to go. She just hasn't been able to write to us yet and let us know.
I know that all of this is wishful thinking. I know we did our best for her. I know we have great relatives, friends and family who helped us to get through this. I also know there's more grief to experience in this life and I will get through it. But for now, I am going to just appreciate life and the people I love while I can.
I think I turned a corner today. So did my sister. She did not have one cigarette today and sounded more positive. I had no wine. I felt a little of the fog lift and so I lifted some weights instead of laying on the bed at 7 Pm and watching "House" reruns. Even my brother, the alcoholic seems different. He was drinking buttermilk and watching TV when I called him. He seems like he is at a turning point in his life. Who knows?
I will never stop missing my mom (or wishfully thinking she is in Venice). I will however, continue to live and be grateful for all the years I had her and the things she has given me that make me who I am...for better or for worse.
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