A prayer for forgiveness for my racism

I am not racist, I always told myself

I was in first grade in 1960

When Ruby Bridges, escorted by federal marshalls

Was the first black child to go to an all white school.

I didn’t know about her

My town was filled with everyone who looked like me

Blonde, blue eyed white, freckled by the sun

I was ten when the civil rights act passed

It was a time when we had black licorice candy 

Called Nigger babies
And Mrs. Butterworth syrup in its bottle

Shaped like a stout, kind black mammy.

The scandal of a very blonde and pale Mae Britt

Marrying a contrasting dark Sammy Davis Junior

I remember seeing their picture 

In my mom’s Photoplay magazine

I was 12 before I saw a negro,

What we called a black person then

My sister and I went to Milwaukee in the late 60’s

I had never been to such a big city

I wrote in my diary that I was afraid of the large dark men 

That I saw for the first time

I didn’t understand why I was afraid

No one told me to be so why was I ?

My dad always referred to blacks as "colored people”

I never corrected him

Figuring it was too late to change him

“What color” I wanted to ask him? What color?

Now I am sorry that I didn’t.

I am not racist, I said but

I started noticing that sometimes 

When I was running alone

And a person of color walked towards me

I crossed the street

Now I force myself to stay on the same side 

To greet and smile

You are my friend, I think

You are me

I am sorry that I don’t know what 

Your life is like being black

I didn’t have to tell my sons 

What to do if they were stopped by the police

Or worry if they were out after dark

Or if they went running alone

I enjoyed my white privilege

Not really being aware that it was a thing

I now know I should correct people and speak up

When my older lady friends, in their 90’s say

“Wouldn’t they all be happier if they stayed in the South 

In their part of the country? “ 

“They are us” I will say. We are all the same

And may I forgive myself 

For what I didn’t know or understand

When people say, “I am not racist” 

And “All lives matter”

And “It wasn’t us who had slaves, 

It was a long time ago

We can't erase history

Why can’t we move on”

May I find the courage

To speak up

And seek to understand