forgotten rooms
Until I was revised (that's what my phone wants to say instead of "retired" when I send text messages), I didn't realize how much time work takes out of a person's life. Usually I got up at 5 or 5:15 and met my friend Becky for a run, came home, showered, got dressed and was at work at 8. Some mornings I was there earlier for various meetings. I didn't leave till 5p or 530 - later if there were staff meetings or meetings with the night shift crew. I did this 5 days/week for the last ten years - prior to that I worked four ten hour days. The work ethic seemed to be that the longer you stayed at work and the more hours you put in the better you were at your job. Nurses don't only eat their young, they eat themselves because it seems expected. If you weren't stressed and talking about how stressed you were, you must not be working hard enough. It was a good job and I made a difference - I know that. But it did start sucking the life right out of me and I had nothing left to give once I got home some days. Still I am grateful for all I learned, contributed and the great people and patients I worked with.
Now that I am home, I notice how hurried and harried my still working friends are. I understand why they don't immediately answer my emails or return my calls - even on their days off. Days off are precious commodities usually reserved for family and/or household responsibilities. If there's time, you can do something recreational or fun but too often that time is not made. There's a feeling of guilt if you just sit down to read a book that isn't related to work. Email and a VPN made it easy to be at work even when you are not - you are always in touch.
When I worked, I often felt resentment at having to go to a party on a weekend or "having to" do something entertaining, like go to a concert. Mostly I just wanted to sit on my butt and do nothing and have a glass of wine...or two. My runs in the morning saved me but also probably contributed to my tiredness later in the day.
Friends called me at work and I never called back. I didn't have time or so I thought. I was probably better at managing my time though, than managing my energy as I have come to realize. My intentions to send a card, make a phone call or really listen to someone I loved often fell short. I don't think I was always like this. Maybe it is a function of burnout or getting older. All I know is that I now cherish my time with friends and family so much more than I was able to when I was working.
I have recurring dreams about finding rooms in my house that I never knew existed. Usually they were dusty and decorated in 70's style or even before. I would find them downstairs behind a hidden door in my house or occasionally they would be in an upstairs I didn't know existed. Often they consisted of many different rooms. I was excited to find them but sad they were so neglected and dusty - sometimes with warped floors. I always wondered what this meant - these reoccurring themes. I now believe they signified my lack of a sense of belonging in our home - because I wasn't there enough to get to know it or to really enjoy it. Maybe they also signified guilt for so many things left dusty and unattended too.
I know this is weird but I have enjoyed decluttering, rearranging and throwing stuff away. I am grateful for a husband who has kept our house so spotless - and at times I was jealous that he "got" to do all of this.
I am now enjoying getting up early, running, reading the newspaper and just doing stuff. I want to be of service to those I love who need me. Someday I will probably get another part time job, but for now I am going to take care of all those dusty, forgotten rooms in my life.
Now that I am home, I notice how hurried and harried my still working friends are. I understand why they don't immediately answer my emails or return my calls - even on their days off. Days off are precious commodities usually reserved for family and/or household responsibilities. If there's time, you can do something recreational or fun but too often that time is not made. There's a feeling of guilt if you just sit down to read a book that isn't related to work. Email and a VPN made it easy to be at work even when you are not - you are always in touch.
When I worked, I often felt resentment at having to go to a party on a weekend or "having to" do something entertaining, like go to a concert. Mostly I just wanted to sit on my butt and do nothing and have a glass of wine...or two. My runs in the morning saved me but also probably contributed to my tiredness later in the day.
Friends called me at work and I never called back. I didn't have time or so I thought. I was probably better at managing my time though, than managing my energy as I have come to realize. My intentions to send a card, make a phone call or really listen to someone I loved often fell short. I don't think I was always like this. Maybe it is a function of burnout or getting older. All I know is that I now cherish my time with friends and family so much more than I was able to when I was working.
I have recurring dreams about finding rooms in my house that I never knew existed. Usually they were dusty and decorated in 70's style or even before. I would find them downstairs behind a hidden door in my house or occasionally they would be in an upstairs I didn't know existed. Often they consisted of many different rooms. I was excited to find them but sad they were so neglected and dusty - sometimes with warped floors. I always wondered what this meant - these reoccurring themes. I now believe they signified my lack of a sense of belonging in our home - because I wasn't there enough to get to know it or to really enjoy it. Maybe they also signified guilt for so many things left dusty and unattended too.
I know this is weird but I have enjoyed decluttering, rearranging and throwing stuff away. I am grateful for a husband who has kept our house so spotless - and at times I was jealous that he "got" to do all of this.
I am now enjoying getting up early, running, reading the newspaper and just doing stuff. I want to be of service to those I love who need me. Someday I will probably get another part time job, but for now I am going to take care of all those dusty, forgotten rooms in my life.
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