dreams of grandma maxfield

I had a dream of my grandma Maxfield last night - my mom's mom. Maybe it was spurred on by my mom and I talking that evening about how grandma would be over 100 years old if she had not died in February 1989. I remembered how I was making Valentine's day cookies when my mom called to tell me she died, back in the days when you could send homemade cookies to school with your kids and no one worried that you put razor blades or poison in them. The picture on the left might be the last one I have of her and I. I don't know why I look so cranky but I sure do look tall!

Bruce and I were talking last night about old people and how hard it is to see them go or get ready to go. It's sad that both of his parents, now in separate nursing homes, didn't get to grow old longer together, sitting in rocking chairs, he going to coffee every morning and she taking care of him and writing us long letters about the birds she saw sitting outside the kitchen window. In some ways, he has lost his parents even though they still are here.

I told him about how sometimes I have "dad attacks" where I get a jolt of pain that I can't describe - almost physical, but mostly a hard sadness at his passing and the permanence of it all. The jolts used to hit me on my way to work and bring me to tears. After 2 1/2 years, they still come but maybe aren't as wrenching. I guess thisis the way it is with the loss that death brings. It never goes away but just gets easier and a person hopefully remembers the good times.

Anyway, last night I dreamed that Bruce was driving me all over my home town to say goodbye to folks before I went to have the ear surgery. We drove by grandma's house and weren't going to stop (after all she is dead) but I saw her sitting in the window staring out at her small world and the hummingbirds, like she always used to.

I went in and we hugged for a while. She was standing tall without her dowager's hump (due to undiagnosed osteoporosis) and her hug was strong. Her white, chair smelled like memories: all the good things I remember about her - beef barley soup, coffee from the noisy coffee pot, buttered popcorn and macaroni and cheese to name a few. She smiled at me and I left. It was a good feeling even in my dream.

When I woke up at 5 am to go to my ear appointment, I thought about it and thought that it was a premonition...grandma was coming to get me and I would suffer some horrible anesthesia related fate - malignant hyperthermia, stroke, heart attack, etc. Then I remembered the good feeling and other dreams I have had of grandma M. when I needed encouragement. I decided to view it as a sign that all would be well.

And it was.