4 am musings

I couldn't sleep.   My dreams weren't necessarily bad - work dreams, taking Advanced Cardiac Life Support Classes, people I knew from work who were all nice to me, and therapy dogs I had known who licked my hand in greeting and seemed to have missed me. Amazingly I did not dream about my income taxes which I have not completed or the one sock I have almost completed.

one almost completed sock - for Donna Mae

I got up finally at 4:30.  Mornings are my best time anyway.  Jack followed me into the kitchen, hopeful for his breakfast and maybe a run later.  I put the coffee going, as my mom used to say and settled down in my chair with a heating pad on my shoulders and drank that first cup.  I usually drink 2 or 3 more during the course of the day, but none taste as good as the first one.  Jack gets breakfast after my first cup and still looks hopeful for that run even though it is only a little after 5...and lightly snowing.

My mind goes to my mom.  Next month it will be three years since she died and I feel the sadness already hovering over me if I let it.  You never know when that hard to describe feeling of loss will grab you and squeeze tight until you have to blink away the tears- it is so unpredictable.  I want to call her and ask her about the socks and about people only she would remember and about her grandmother years.    My sister and I talk about her most of the time when we have our evening chat.   I bet Barb gets grabbed with the same feelings - maybe even more as she sits in my mom's chair in her old house sometimes.  Maybe my brother thinks of her too - but mostly I think he kills the thoughts with beer.  My mom probably contacts him and says "did you eat today, Ray?"    My sister and I always joke about that because every time he came over to her house, that was the first thing she asked even though he is a grown up - 3 years younger than I am.   Barb also jokes that my mom's cat jumps from her lap when my brother shows up and meows "did you eat Ray"?

Jack the dog cheers me up as I type, peeking around the corner with a hopeful look "Are we going running"?  he asks?

Are we going running? Jack's look says.

"Not yet" I answer.  Jackie is 12 and groans a lot.  But the joy he gets when I tell him we are going to go is worth it for both of us - I groan a lot too.  I am convinced that just as it is good for me, it is good for him, but I have cut his runs a lot shorter than they used to be.   He has done up to 12 miles with me and a few times this year we have done 7.  Mostly though I limit him to 3 or 4 miles and I let him stop wherever he wants to - to pee,  sniff, or read his "pee mail".  I tell him I won't ever forget about him or give up on him either although we both know the limits of his life span.  We will make the best of it and he is the best running buddy, listening to my incessant babble and being eager to do whatever I want.  I talk to him as I go about the morning and he follows me around - licking my arm when he needs his ears scratched.   We could all learn a lot from our dogs.

Jack looking excited when I tell him we will go running

I worked on my taxes and decided doing taxes is like anticipating going to the casino.  You have high hopes of winning, even though in the back of your mind you know you won't - but it is the hope that is fun.  I have high hopes of getting big returns but once again the government wins.  I should have more money in capital gains, like Mitt Romney....damn him and his lack of understanding about poor people (he is not worried about them...there is a safety net he says....but it is this very safety net he plans to decrease funding to....sorry I don't mean to get political but it is early in the morning) and dogs.  

My new favorite t-shirt.  Check out http://www.dogsagainstromney.com

I know the incident with Mitt's dog, Seamus, happened 30 years ago.  But it is symbolic of his lack of understanding or depth in compassion I feel. 

I find this quote that my daughter used on one of her New Year's cards - beautifully made with her talented art of letterpress.   Check out her beautiful work here.

The sun rises in spite of everything
And the far cities are beautiful and bright
I lie here in a riot of sunlight
Watching the day break and the clouds flying
Everything is going to be all right.... Derek Mahon

Somehow I feel better.  Everything IS going to be all right.  I will sleep better tonight.