invalid
So it is 5 weeks of not running so far. Jack the dog looks at me every morning to see if I am going to pick up the crutches and hobble to the bathroom. He then sighs and goes to lay back down. I notice my fabulous calf muscles turning to mush, like my brain. Despite knowing how lucky I am, I find myself reduced to tears easily - I don't have the running therapy but maybe it is also because it is almost a year since my mom died and I am gripped with the grief that sneaks up on me when I least expect it....like when I have to go talk to my boss.
I noticed that invalid is also in-valid. Hmm. Just like if you take the word therapist apart - you come out with "the rapist". The rapist of the mind is maybe a good definition of a therapist but invalid is not such a good term for one with a broken leg. I still feel valid. I still need validation. But mostly I just need to go for a good long run to start feeling like a human again and to be able to deal with the er in February and the people who seem to think I am not good enough and maybe because I am old - invalid. Maybe it is only me that thinks I am not good enough.
I went on two trips with my broken leg. I took it to Austin and was an athletic supporter while Kseniya ran in her first 1/2 marathon. I took it to another game of Chicken Shit Bingo too. I had a nifty scooter to scoot around on in Austin, but in Chicago I just used crutches. The one good thing is being able to get on the plane first even before the first class folks. It is funny how people stare at you, some talk about you like you not only have a broken leg, but a broken brain. "She broke her leg!" Kseniya would say to some of those who stared at me. Mostly though people are nice. They say "excuse me" for just walking in front of me. They hold doors open, offer to carry things and ask "what did you do?". I want to say that I was dancing on a bar (topless) and fell off but instead I just say "I broke my leg in my driveway".
It is okay to be on the sidelines and watch others run the race - I can do it because is is fun to see other people happy about something that makes me happy - running. I can be happy because this is only temporary. I don't even eat much or drink much coffee at work because I have to get other people to carry it for me. I am glad I didn't break my arms cause someone might have to wipe my butt!
People in wheelchairs or other people on crutches give me a nod of the sister/brotherhood of the lame - the invalid. I am not cold anymore - hopefully it is because it takes a lot of calories to mend a broken fibula! And mend it will - eventually.
Last night I climbed on my stationary bicycle. It isn't the same as running but it is something that makes me feel a little more valid. I will be a patient patient and soon I will be running again. It isn't the end of the world. But it is almost a year since my mom died. And that was not temporary.
I noticed that invalid is also in-valid. Hmm. Just like if you take the word therapist apart - you come out with "the rapist". The rapist of the mind is maybe a good definition of a therapist but invalid is not such a good term for one with a broken leg. I still feel valid. I still need validation. But mostly I just need to go for a good long run to start feeling like a human again and to be able to deal with the er in February and the people who seem to think I am not good enough and maybe because I am old - invalid. Maybe it is only me that thinks I am not good enough.
I went on two trips with my broken leg. I took it to Austin and was an athletic supporter while Kseniya ran in her first 1/2 marathon. I took it to another game of Chicken Shit Bingo too. I had a nifty scooter to scoot around on in Austin, but in Chicago I just used crutches. The one good thing is being able to get on the plane first even before the first class folks. It is funny how people stare at you, some talk about you like you not only have a broken leg, but a broken brain. "She broke her leg!" Kseniya would say to some of those who stared at me. Mostly though people are nice. They say "excuse me" for just walking in front of me. They hold doors open, offer to carry things and ask "what did you do?". I want to say that I was dancing on a bar (topless) and fell off but instead I just say "I broke my leg in my driveway".
It is okay to be on the sidelines and watch others run the race - I can do it because is is fun to see other people happy about something that makes me happy - running. I can be happy because this is only temporary. I don't even eat much or drink much coffee at work because I have to get other people to carry it for me. I am glad I didn't break my arms cause someone might have to wipe my butt!
People in wheelchairs or other people on crutches give me a nod of the sister/brotherhood of the lame - the invalid. I am not cold anymore - hopefully it is because it takes a lot of calories to mend a broken fibula! And mend it will - eventually.
Last night I climbed on my stationary bicycle. It isn't the same as running but it is something that makes me feel a little more valid. I will be a patient patient and soon I will be running again. It isn't the end of the world. But it is almost a year since my mom died. And that was not temporary.
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