the beginning of the end

When I was in Michigan, I went for a walk with my brother to the town's beautiful cemetery. He is an alcoholic and has been drinking since he was 13 or even before for all I know. He won't admit it though - just like most alcoholics, he lives in denial, in his own movie as he puts it. I can't change his movie. No one can, no matter how much we love him and want to help. I don't think even the TV show "Intervention" would save him. I don't know why he is this way - there's a long line of alcoholics in our genes so maybe it is hereditary. Or maybe it is because when he was only 7 our dad who was an alcoholic at the time, got in a bad accident and couldn't be what my brother needed anymore. Who knows? Anyone that has an alcoholic in the family probably has theories. I wonder why it is that I can have a few glasses of wine and then quit and he can't.

We have always been pretty close but sadly I remember only a few times since we were young kids that he has been sober. Alcohol and it's effects have made him not care about anyone really - or at least not be able to show it. As we walked I asked him "Are you happy with your life"
"I am satisfied with my life", he began and then continued on for about 20 minutes. "Of course, I could have done other things and maybe I should have but.........". Most of what he said led me to believe he was trying to convince himself and not me. How could he be happy with a life where you drink till you tip over, wake up and then start all over again? How can a person be happy being considered the town drunk? Many people in the town call him to do odd jobs and pay him with beer which is just as good as money cause he would buy beer with it anyway. I do see the soft side of him. When he was a kid he cried watching the Wizard of Oz. Even now, he gently picks up worms left on the road after a rainfall and puts them back on the grass.

"You don't sound happy. And I am talking about now, not the past. We can't change that. But you can change the now", I said. I then told him in graphic detail how alcoholics die - they usually bleed to death because as your liver fails, it doesn't produce platelets. Neck veins become congested because of liver damage, and burst. Bleeding ulcers are common. Cancer is way more common in alcoholics. Strokes and heart attacks happen as the heart muscle weakens and clots get thrown from valves into lungs or travel into the brain. Since I googled up a bunch of articles on alcoholism, I also know the rash and breakouts on his face are an early sigh of cirrhosis of the liver as is his bloated abdomen.

"I don't want to quit drinking" he said. "You live your movie and I will live mine".

I can't reach him anymore. It's beyond that and maybe it is too late. I hate to think what it will do to my mom, and at one time he was able to care about that. He can't care anymore.

Yesterday another one of his teeth fell out. A big molar. His gums are so diseased they can't support the teeth in his mouth. Another side affect of his drinking. It bled all night because he didn't make enough platelets to make it stop. I remember his nice smile and nice white teeth. The ones left are rotting and stained. It is so sad.

Sometimes all you can do is love someone and put in a good word for them. And sometimes that just is not enough.