Life is good until you weaken

On my morning run, I frequently stop to chat with an older man named Jerry.  Seeing Jerry is a great way to start out my day as he is, at 86 years old always smiling and usually has something to say that stays with me throughout my run.  He walks with two canes, and is one of the most optimistic people I have ever “ran” into.

I always stop to say hello and to ask how he is.

“I am great.  And even if I wasn’t I would tell you I was, because I would just be anticipating the future”, he always says.  Then after kissing my hand, says, “The honor is mine and I hope the pleasure is all yours”.

One morning after this usual greeting, He said, “There are only three things in life that people really need to be happy: “Something to do, someone to love, and something to look forward to” .  

He is right.  We don’t need so many material things. I think of the words of my son who at age 8 already had a lot of wisdom: “Having something is not nearly as much fun as wanting it”.   

When I retired  a big chunk of my identity was gone - I had worked as a nurse for 35 years and all of a sudden I felt invisible, irrelevant and old.  I no longer was in charge of anything and didn’t have to be anywhere every morning. I missed being useful. After applying for a few jobs I realized that in my profession, no one wanted to hire an almost 60 something nurse.  I no longer had something I had to do. It would have been easy to just do nothing.

Without realizing it, I found my usefulness in a bunch of older people (the majority over 90) who I had visited sporadically when I was still working.  Now I had more time to visit them and besides being their friend I played different roles with each one. I learned a lot about making a difference in someone’s life and being useful and also about loving unconditionally.  I learned and continue to learn, a lot about life and getting older and that it doesn’t have to be bad. Even dying can be prepared for without sadness - like other events in one’s life. Importantly I learned that we all have gifts that we could and should use - like our time.

My friend Anna is 99.  A few years after I retired,  her husband suddenly became ill and she called, needing me to help her get him out of bed. I became an unofficial hospice nurse for him over the next few weeks and after he died, I became her secretary as her eyesight got worse.  I also am her manicurist and paint her nails once/week. I learned that at any age it is important to feel and look beautiful. Anna is almost blind but she remains interested in people and life outside of her house. Her lack of vision made her be okay with me painting her nails a sparkly blue. I told her that once a manicurist told me that “old ladies” should not have blue nails. She being rebellious like me, said no one was going to tell her what color her nails could be.  

Besides doing her nails done every week (we did switch to pink polish because while she was rebellious, she was also traditional), she gets her hair done  every Friday. Once she fell and broke some ribs and recovered from that faster than someone half her age. Part of it was that she had to get back to getting her hair done.  Also she is determined to live to be 100 because her sister is 101 and still relevant. Anna has “something to look forward to”. She still buys 2 bottles of her favorite perfume at a time and does not even think of dying...or seem to worry about it.   She tells me, “If you are going to lose something, lose something else besides your vision. I have learned to put things back where she wants them, even if it seems illogical to me, because that is where she can find them. Too often we think we know best for older people - our parents for example. We take away their independence and decision making a little at a time.

Anna's short term memory is, well, short term. I have learned not to say “I told you that already….”.  I have learned patience and maybe a little bit of how hard it is to give things up and have other people do them for you. I can only imagine her sense of being useless. When I call her, she says “hi babe” and it brings tears to my eyes because it reminds me of my mother. Sometimes she holds my face in her hands so she can see me better and it is so tender and comforting.  Anna has no children of her own.

I have two Jane friends.  The first I call incarcerated Jane because her children placed her in a memory care unit after she had a stroke,  perhaps thinking she would never improve. But she did get better and her mind is still sharp. Her only problem is sometimes she can’t get the words she wants to come out - but all you have to do is wait and she gets them out in the order she wants.  She asked me once if I would come over on Saturday and curl her hair and I have been doing that, and painting her nails (pink) every Saturday for two years. “Life is good until you weaken” she told me once. So the lesson is to hang on - to do what is in your control to stay strong.   But do all the things you can. She has resigned herself to being there but sometimes she looks at me sadly and says “I get so tired of being locked up. She had a chance to move to an assisted living place but turned it down thinking her little dog would not like it. Since her husband died, her dog is her “something to love”.  She also loves going to church and hanging out with Olive afterwards for coffee and a sweet treat. She loves boots, butterflies and anything with cherries in it. Oh and peanut butter and Jelly sandwiches, which I bring her every Saturday - my sister’s homemade jam and Bruce’s homemade bread. I have learned that it is the simple things in life that make people happy and if we know what those are we should provide them if we can.  Older people get to a point where they don’t want “things”. They want time with friends, and maybe a peanut butter sandwich.

I don’t know how old  the other Jane is. Jane volunteers for several different organizations, a cancer infusion unit, at one hospital and a surgical waiting room at another hospital.  At a third hospital she brings magazines and books and comfort to the patients. At night she is an usher at several venues for plays and musicals. She visits Anna every day and picks up incarcerated Jane and Anna for lunch on Thursdays.  They invited me a few years ago and now that has become part of my Thursdays. Every day she has something to look forward to and is rarely home.

My friend Mary still lives at home with her husband.  They are both 95. Mary doesn’t get out anymore due to a bad leg.  I have coffee with her and her husband every few weeks. They have amazing stories of where they have lived and what they have done.  He was an engineer and she a librarian. She loves to read and she loves to plan things. She asked me if I would knit her a pink (her favorite color) scarf to wear in her coffin.  I did and then she asked me if maybe I could make some pink socks, which I also did. I have never had a request for funeral apparel but perhaps I will recognize her in the afterlife with her pink scarf and socks.  Mary views her funeral as just another event to be planned - maybe something to look forward to. She has children my age who don’t want to talk with her about her funeral plans so I fulfill the role of her funeral planner.

Mary's funeral scarf

Then there’s the inspirational 93 year old guy - my friend Sid.  Sid ran his last half marathon at 89 and completed his last marathon at 81.  He has completed every single one of the senior games since their inception. He often says, “a person needs goals”.  One of my favorite Sid sayings is “Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes”.   Sid still gets out for 3 miles a few times a week and still sets goals.

I think again, of the wisdom of my young son.  Once when we were visiting my parents and Bruce’s parents, he said, “I don’t know why you bring us back here.  We just start liking these people and then they die”.

And yes, that is true.  However if we avoided getting to know people, especially old folks,  we would miss out on so many experiences and lessons about how to live and even how to die.   I am grateful for my mom and dad who each had their collection of old people to visit and help and set a good example for me. And yes, we will all weaken but until then we should continue to live.