Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end

Hillary Clinton losing the election has elicited many feelings in me including anger, sadness, disappointment and fear.  In a few ways I can relate to her and what she was up against as an older not very pretty woman in a world still run by men.  She dedicated herself to making the world a better place and in doing so, by putting herself out there, she made mistakes as we all do.  

I feel the need to let go of something I have held onto for the past 6 years - the loss of my career and my feelings of betrayal by many people I thought would be more honest with me.  I am a better person for these past years and I would not trade them for anything, but still I still have moments where I grieve and feel the pain of losing a big part of myself.  

I am 63, a child of the 60’s and grew up in a small town in the midwest.  I burned my bra at my high school graduation party and protested the Vietnam war in college.  Ever since I was four, I wanted to be a nurse but only so that I would “have something to fall back on” when my children grew up.  That’s what many women did then.  Not many of us planned to work after we had kids - this was before the women’s liberation movement in the 70’s.

I  worked as a staff nurse for a few years.  I was a good nurse so I became a nursing director  at a wonderful hospital. Because I had the better job, I chose to work full time while my husband stayed home with the kids before it was cool to do so.  I worked full time through my children’s entire childhood, despite my idealistic dreams of being a June Cleaver sort of mom - but without the pearls.

For 35 years, I experienced many changes in my job and in healthcare - some good and some not.  However, I never fit into the paternalistic organization because I said what was on my mind and expressed my opinion even when it was not the popular one.  I didn’t reinvent myself to fit in the corporate mold and really cared about my staff even though as time went on, really caring for the people who worked for you was no longer valued.  The bottom line became more important than the people contributing to it.

I never saw the writing on the wall although in hindsight it was there in plain view.   I thought that representing my profession and trying to initiate change was a good thing and I worked to increase awareness of pediatric care by sitting on national committees, helping to write a standardized class for nurses on pediatric care, and encouraging the professional growth of my staff.  I published numerous articles and wrote two books and created innovative ways to evaluate staff on performance.  I participated on a committee of the prestigious Institute of Medicine to suggest ways to improve our nation’s emergency departments. I received a lifetime achievement award from my national organization.  My departments had some of the highest ratings on staff satisfaction surveys.  None of this mattered and in some ways, I think I was resented by some of my colleagues because of my involvement.    I don’t mention my achievements to brag but rather to finally realize that, while I was in no way perfect, I did make a difference and am proud that I stayed true to myself.  I was ahead of my times in some ways.

Eventually it became clear that things were happening behind my back.  I was asked by a representative of the Human Resource Department “Are you sure you have the stamina to lead your department to where it needs to be in the next few years?”.  Me, a marathon runner who got up every morning to run before work?  I started getting questioned on everything and was left out of decisions.  In retrospect the message to me was “you are getting too old”.  

I was invited to a meeting with the medical director.  It was an ambush, I can see now.  My boss was there and the medical director pointed out three things that I did or did not do - he had never spoken to me about any of them.  “This is not the way a nursing director should act” my boss, a woman, kept saying.  I was not even allowed to defend myself.  Now I am proud that I  never let them see me bleed - I didn’t cry but I knew what was coming.

That fall my evaluation was horrible - the first bad evaluation I had ever received in 35 years.  Cowardly people (chosen by my boss)  didn’t sign their names and said many hurtful things, critical of me as a person, rather than my performance.  And inevitably I was given the “we think it is time for you to retire’ talk and it has nothing to do with your age”.  There was an implied threat that if I did not retire, disciplinary action would be taken which meant I would have been fired.   I never had a disciplinary action against me in all my years of working.   So, I put on my “good old Donna” face and told everyone that I was retiring and that it was time.  I had nothing left.  It was as if people gave up on me so I gave up on myself.  But  still they never saw me bleed.

For the past 6 years I have felt  like a failure in my career.   I focused on what I had not done rather than all that I had accomplished.  I reread and reread my last evaluation and had nightmares about work where I showed up and didn’t know how to do anything and all the doors were locked so I could not get in.  I mourned that I did not get to leave my job on my own terms as  I had planned.  I was dishonorably discharged.

Now maybe I can finally burn that evaluation just like I did my bra so many years ago.   I am  ready to let go of that and focus on the good things I did.  Instead of telling everyone that “it was time for me to leave” and to make light of it, I can now admit that this was wrong and these people were wrong.  I can move on but I don’t have to be silent any longer.   And I shouldn’t be ashamed.  I made a difference.

I am not exactly sure why this election has caused me to be able to let go of this and realize I am not a bad person. Maybe it’s because I see that despite one’s good intentions, there are people who still won’t want you and will do whatever it takes to “move in another direction”.  They will deem you unsalvageable.  Some people will not want to know your side of the story on any issue and will write you off while ignoring the truth.  It’s just the way life is.  

Hillary worked for 30 years and Donald Trump held that against her.  “What has she to show for it?” he asked.  “We need a change” the people said.  So she lost partly because she was a career politician.  

Hillary knows, and can be proud of what she accomplished in her 30 years.    I will be proud of my time “in office” and what I accomplished.  We both will go on. I will have no regrets anymore.