I have been working on this post for a few weeks. It was going to be called "detours" But I took too many detours and went into too much rambling about what I wanted to say and then I never said it. I really just need to spit it out so here goes.
What I really wanted to say is that sometimes life sucks. I hate that my dog has a tumor the size of the Great Salt Lake in his liver. I hate that my neighbor and good friend has three tumor in hers as well. She has a bag that is draining bright yellow liver juice from her liver. Jack is just pooping bright yellow liver juice in splotches on the lawn or sidewalk. Interestingly enough, they both are getting the same treatment - anti nausea meds and pain pills. They are around the same age. I think Jack is doing better because he is a dog and doesn't know he is dying. On days when he feels good he follows me around till I take him walking. On other days when he isn't up to par, he just goes and lays down and I give him a pain med and he waits till he feels better. My neighbor knows her time is limited and she is sad which seems pretty reasonable under the circumstances.
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| Jack enjoying a drink from the hose - and Desmond enjoying giving it to him |
I hate that I still mourn sometimes about my job and that my heart hurts when I see pictures of the place and the people with whom I spent so much of my life. But there is a time and place for everything and like good friends and running, someday you have to give up things that you love and move on and let someone else take over.
What is good is being able to spend time with Jack and make his last days comfortable, taking him for walks or just talking to him. I have time to do this because I am not working. I also have the time to visit my neighbor and even knitted her a pair of socks. Time is a gift you can give to yourself and to those you love. Now I am working on a cute little pair of socks for Des. Cause I have the time to do it, that's why.
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| One little Desmond sock |
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Enid's socks
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I like not having to be in a hurry. I recently spent ten days in my little town of Rockland Michigan where I love to be with my sister and my brother who are all that is left of my growing up family. Barb and I have fun doing nothing in particular and I can stay longer because I am not working. My brain isn't clogged up with stuff I have to do when I get back. We slept till the old cat, Mama Meese woke us up (usually 630) and dined on granola bars and coffee for breakfast. Sometimes we ate a big salad for lunch and sometimes I made pepper bacon and scrambled eggs for dinner. We went to the casino a few times and did not get rich. Mostly we just enjoyed life. My sister is retired too. We miss Siggie but life is still good in my little town.
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| My little town |
I have been a runner for about 35 years. At first I was more serious about it - I would not go out for a run unless I could run at least 3 miles and usually 6 miles. I worried about how fast I was or wasn't and also how much I weighed. Now I enjoy it more because I don't have to quickly run home and take a shower and head to work. I still have my goals but I am more forgiving of myself. I can take a day off and just sit around and drink coffee - and eat Cheetos and drink beer if I want.
I love to run in my little town. My runs there have never been over 7 -8 miles and then I only go that long if I have someone to run with...which is very rare unless my good friends "the Kimmies" are home or Siggie's nephew, also a runner, is around. The usual runs are 3-4 miles and I take my camera and don't worry about how far or how long I go. I just enjoy the view.
When I was in Rockland this last trip, I was running by myself and planned to go to the cemetery to say "hi" to my friends and family who live there. As I ran by the old school I happened to notice an old man sitting on his porch. I knew it was Charlie, who is the oldest person in the town. He is 96 and lives in his Rockland house during the summer months. He had just finished doing laundry and had clothing hanging on the line.
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| Charlie Johnson - powered by optimism and good genes |
Charlie kept saying "It's a blessing that you stopped by to talk to me". I think I was the one blessed to talk to a guy who knows a lot of the history of the town and still can live by himself in the summertime.
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| I did make it to the cemetery another day - it's a beautiful place. |
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| I also got a tattoo - something I had talked about for years. |
Finally I am a stay at home mom - or grandmom, as the case is now. I can make pancakes for Desmond, play in the pool and watch the flowers grow in my back yard. Hearing him lovingly call me "MiMI" is a beautiful thing - almost like hearing my own kids call me "mom". In some ways, it is making up for the time I couldn't give to my own kids.
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| having fun playing in the water |
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| At the park after going to the cookie store |
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| watching for hummingbirds |
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| Amazed at the beautiful hibiscus |
Yeah life is about giving up and letting go. But there is also so much more. A person realizes finally, that giving people your time is a lot more important than material things.
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