the sisterhood
It has been a year since I retired/retreaded/revised myself. At first it was so weird to be out and about in the middle of a weekday afternoon. I felt like I was playing hooky. What if someone saw me from work? But wait, I wasn't working. It didn't matter who saw me. And it seemed as if I was invisible - maybe because I slunk around like I was committing a crime, shoulders hunched over, making my frame even shorter than my 5 feet 1 1/2 inches. No wonder my shoulders ached.
So used to being productive and having to rush, I got up every morning and felt guilty if I read the paper. Maybe I should throw in a load of laundry, vacuum or scrub the kitchen floor. Or start writing a novel? Put all my pictures in albums? Run? Do yoga? Lift weights? Watch a movie? I always thought it would be cool to watch a movie in the middle of the day....so far I haven't done it yet but I feel it happening soon.
Slowly over the past year I have relaxed a little - my shoulders still hurt but that is from knitting socks, I feel. I have stopped feeling guilty when I do see people from work and they ask me, "So what are you doing? Do you have a job?" This question used to make me feel bad, that I wasn't being productive. But dammit, I was "productive" for 35 years.
Now, when people ask me "What are you doing?" I smile and say "Whatever I want!" I notice the brief look of jealousy that peeks out on their faces. I have come to appreciate my favorite jeans and yoga pants even more. I love that I can wander around in stores at 1:00 in the afternoon if I want. I loved that I was ready for Christmas the week before and did not feel rushed.
I think I am finally being identified as one of the sisterhood of stay at home grandmas, retired ladies or ladies of leisure. When I am out looking at after Christmas sales or the latest deals at T.J. Maxx, I no longer feel invisible. Ladies "of a certain age" talk to me like we are in some sort of conspiracy of women who are smug because they are no longer living the life of the stressed, hurried, and worried. We can wander and look at deals.
"I have all the frying pans I need" one grandmotherly woman confided in me. "But I always look at them. Even though I can't lift the newer ones....I am not 20 years old any more!"
"Not many of us are", I say back to her with a conspiratorial smile. I surprise myself by realizing I would not even want to go back to being 20 - well, maybe I wouldn't mind if parts of me still looked 20. I still have nice hair though that hasn't yet turned gray.
Another woman, alone and wandering, whispered to me, while I was looking at on sale Christmas dishes "We don't need any of those, do we?".
"Nope", I said.
"But we are going to buy some anyway, right?" She responded.
"Oh yes". I laughed as I gathered up 8 plates that, before Christmas, would have cost me $104, but I got for $35. Nope I didn't need them but they would be so nice to have our Christmas night fondue on next year.
The woman cheered me on as she also purchased some Christmas cups and saucers - they were almost free because they said "Christmas 2011" on them. I had the urge to invite her out to coffee and find out about her life and maybe knit her some socks or something! She seemed like she had deep thoughts about life in general and I wanted to know them.
It took almost a year but I am free of the guilt that surfaced from time to time because I was "no longer in service". Oh and I am going to apply for another job and the beauty of it is that I will work part time at something I wanted to do for a long time....at least I hope I will be hired despite being a woman of a certain age.
But I still have to do something about my sore shoulders.
So used to being productive and having to rush, I got up every morning and felt guilty if I read the paper. Maybe I should throw in a load of laundry, vacuum or scrub the kitchen floor. Or start writing a novel? Put all my pictures in albums? Run? Do yoga? Lift weights? Watch a movie? I always thought it would be cool to watch a movie in the middle of the day....so far I haven't done it yet but I feel it happening soon.
Slowly over the past year I have relaxed a little - my shoulders still hurt but that is from knitting socks, I feel. I have stopped feeling guilty when I do see people from work and they ask me, "So what are you doing? Do you have a job?" This question used to make me feel bad, that I wasn't being productive. But dammit, I was "productive" for 35 years.
Now, when people ask me "What are you doing?" I smile and say "Whatever I want!" I notice the brief look of jealousy that peeks out on their faces. I have come to appreciate my favorite jeans and yoga pants even more. I love that I can wander around in stores at 1:00 in the afternoon if I want. I loved that I was ready for Christmas the week before and did not feel rushed.
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| I also love having time to read stories to Desmond! He doesn't care if I just got back from running and am stinky and sweaty! |
I think I am finally being identified as one of the sisterhood of stay at home grandmas, retired ladies or ladies of leisure. When I am out looking at after Christmas sales or the latest deals at T.J. Maxx, I no longer feel invisible. Ladies "of a certain age" talk to me like we are in some sort of conspiracy of women who are smug because they are no longer living the life of the stressed, hurried, and worried. We can wander and look at deals.
"I have all the frying pans I need" one grandmotherly woman confided in me. "But I always look at them. Even though I can't lift the newer ones....I am not 20 years old any more!"
"Not many of us are", I say back to her with a conspiratorial smile. I surprise myself by realizing I would not even want to go back to being 20 - well, maybe I wouldn't mind if parts of me still looked 20. I still have nice hair though that hasn't yet turned gray.
Another woman, alone and wandering, whispered to me, while I was looking at on sale Christmas dishes "We don't need any of those, do we?".
"Nope", I said.
"But we are going to buy some anyway, right?" She responded.
"Oh yes". I laughed as I gathered up 8 plates that, before Christmas, would have cost me $104, but I got for $35. Nope I didn't need them but they would be so nice to have our Christmas night fondue on next year.
The woman cheered me on as she also purchased some Christmas cups and saucers - they were almost free because they said "Christmas 2011" on them. I had the urge to invite her out to coffee and find out about her life and maybe knit her some socks or something! She seemed like she had deep thoughts about life in general and I wanted to know them.
It took almost a year but I am free of the guilt that surfaced from time to time because I was "no longer in service". Oh and I am going to apply for another job and the beauty of it is that I will work part time at something I wanted to do for a long time....at least I hope I will be hired despite being a woman of a certain age.
But I still have to do something about my sore shoulders.
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