even pollyanna gets the blues
I am going to confess to something. Yeah I know I am always positive and uplifting in my blog posts. This will be the one time when I probably reveal something personal...my Achilles tendon so to speak.
I have been called a "Pollyanna" because of my usual positive outlook on things Or an "eternal" or "terminal" optimist. Ever since I was little, when I complained about something, I always was told by my mom, dad, or Ernie (an adopted family member) "Some people have it a lot worse". That is always true - I have never had it as bad as others. I grew up poor and I didn't even realize it till I got older because I was loved. But there were poorer people. Even if things are not going well for me, my motto has always been "never let them see you bleed". I have been, under most circumstances, able to live up to that motto. The only problem is that sometimes the pent up stuff boils over all at once when you least expect it. Sort of like perimenopause when I would have what my spouse would call "fits of spontaneous menstruation. Sorry if that is too much info...I said I was going to be honest!
People have asked me "Are you always this happy?" Of course I am not. But I put on a face "to meet the faces that I meet (?T.S. Eliot in The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock). I just see no reason to whine about my perceived troubles or to share my sadness with other people. It's better to spread positive things (there's the Pollyanna side of me). It is harder to be happy all the time though and I understand that being sad takes a lot less energy. But I still choose to be happy and work on making myself happy instead of burdening the world, this blog, which only 8 people might read, and Facebook with my woes. I don't want to be part of the growing negative energy in this world. There's already enough people cultivating that because it is easier than realizing that you are the sole person responsible for your happiness. Not your spouse, your kids or you parents. And not your job or your boss at your job!
On the rare occasion that I have my meltdown, I am not always sure at first, what triggers it. Usually it's when I am alone or with Jack the dog who never tells on me and is a very empathetic listener. Sometimes I am out on a great run and get teary for no reason at all.
Last week I read "The Grapes of Wrath" by John Steinbeck. I cried at the end It was the best book I have ever reread in my life. I loved all the characters in that book. I cared about them and I wanted to know more. But the ending was what got me. I won't give it away but you, the 8 people who may or may not be reading this should read that book! Amazing how it parallels with the world today.
So thinking about that book made me sad this week. Thinking about work made me sad. I had a job I loved for 35.5 years. I am not going to share everything that led to my retiring, but it hurt and I got through it and took it like a man. No one saw me bleed. It is what it is and it all worked out for the best and I have been able to do so many things that I would not have been able to do...but damn I miss all the people I worked with - some days more than others. You can't just turn off 351/2 years of your life abruptly and go on without some adjustment. It does me no good to harbor ill will though and I try mostly to look at the good side. I know I did a lot of good things and was lucky to have worked with such great people who taught me so much.
Some days it really hits me between the eyes. All the hate in the world gets to be too much. Obama hating especially. I am sorry but I view it as all about race . I don't agree with everything he has done but I don't think he can do anything right in some people's eyes and everyone opposes whatever he suggests. I am tired of all the stupid stuff that I get on emails saying he is Muslim or he wasn't born here, etc. I don't understand how anyone can NOT support the millionaires paying their fair share of taxes. I don't understand Orrin Hatch's one sided thinking - he alone is enough to make me cry. Some days it all combines into one big sadness for me. I am tired of politicians on both sides just looking out for themselves. I am tired of people who don't care about anyone else - who have no idea how other people live.
And that day was yesterday. I heard the song "From a distance" by Nancy Griffith, on my iPod. (You can hear her sing it by clicking here) and I sat by my computer and cried. Jack came in and licked my hand and sat down by me offering his silent support.
Someone once told me if you are feeling blue, you should look at the calendar. So, after my ten minutes of indulging myself, I did, and noted that next Wednesday is my mom's birthday. She would have been 83 years old.
Lucky for me, I cried for a bit and then did what any Pollyanna eternal optimist would do. I pulled up my bootstraps or my brastraps or whatever was handy and tried to figure out what I needed to do to get out of my funk. You can laugh all you want but the things they tell you to do really do help....if you can make yourself do them. Like counting your blessings and being grateful for all of them, sending a nice email to something or doing something for someone else or calling a friend or going out and getting some exercise....it works. You have to act the way you want to feel or "make the motion, and the emotion will follow" as one of my good friends once told me.
Maybe women do these things. Sorry for the generalization. Reminds me of my favorite quote in "The Grapes of Wrath" spoken by Ma Joad:
Well, Pa, a woman can change better'n a man. A man lives sorta - well, in jerks. Baby's born or somebody dies, and that's a jerk. He gets a farm or loses it, and that's a jerk. With a woman, it's all in one flow, like a stream - little eddies and waterfalls - but the river, it goes right on. Woman looks at it thata way.
So there you have it. I do bleed, but mostly in private. Mostly, I choose to be happy and be responsible for my own happiness. I believe that life truly is good, and won't apologize for all my t-shirts with that sentiment on them. My mama always said "It will be better in the morning".
And almost always, it is!
I have been called a "Pollyanna" because of my usual positive outlook on things Or an "eternal" or "terminal" optimist. Ever since I was little, when I complained about something, I always was told by my mom, dad, or Ernie (an adopted family member) "Some people have it a lot worse". That is always true - I have never had it as bad as others. I grew up poor and I didn't even realize it till I got older because I was loved. But there were poorer people. Even if things are not going well for me, my motto has always been "never let them see you bleed". I have been, under most circumstances, able to live up to that motto. The only problem is that sometimes the pent up stuff boils over all at once when you least expect it. Sort of like perimenopause when I would have what my spouse would call "fits of spontaneous menstruation. Sorry if that is too much info...I said I was going to be honest!
People have asked me "Are you always this happy?" Of course I am not. But I put on a face "to meet the faces that I meet (?T.S. Eliot in The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock). I just see no reason to whine about my perceived troubles or to share my sadness with other people. It's better to spread positive things (there's the Pollyanna side of me). It is harder to be happy all the time though and I understand that being sad takes a lot less energy. But I still choose to be happy and work on making myself happy instead of burdening the world, this blog, which only 8 people might read, and Facebook with my woes. I don't want to be part of the growing negative energy in this world. There's already enough people cultivating that because it is easier than realizing that you are the sole person responsible for your happiness. Not your spouse, your kids or you parents. And not your job or your boss at your job!
On the rare occasion that I have my meltdown, I am not always sure at first, what triggers it. Usually it's when I am alone or with Jack the dog who never tells on me and is a very empathetic listener. Sometimes I am out on a great run and get teary for no reason at all.
Last week I read "The Grapes of Wrath" by John Steinbeck. I cried at the end It was the best book I have ever reread in my life. I loved all the characters in that book. I cared about them and I wanted to know more. But the ending was what got me. I won't give it away but you, the 8 people who may or may not be reading this should read that book! Amazing how it parallels with the world today.
So thinking about that book made me sad this week. Thinking about work made me sad. I had a job I loved for 35.5 years. I am not going to share everything that led to my retiring, but it hurt and I got through it and took it like a man. No one saw me bleed. It is what it is and it all worked out for the best and I have been able to do so many things that I would not have been able to do...but damn I miss all the people I worked with - some days more than others. You can't just turn off 351/2 years of your life abruptly and go on without some adjustment. It does me no good to harbor ill will though and I try mostly to look at the good side. I know I did a lot of good things and was lucky to have worked with such great people who taught me so much.
Some days it really hits me between the eyes. All the hate in the world gets to be too much. Obama hating especially. I am sorry but I view it as all about race . I don't agree with everything he has done but I don't think he can do anything right in some people's eyes and everyone opposes whatever he suggests. I am tired of all the stupid stuff that I get on emails saying he is Muslim or he wasn't born here, etc. I don't understand how anyone can NOT support the millionaires paying their fair share of taxes. I don't understand Orrin Hatch's one sided thinking - he alone is enough to make me cry. Some days it all combines into one big sadness for me. I am tired of politicians on both sides just looking out for themselves. I am tired of people who don't care about anyone else - who have no idea how other people live.
And that day was yesterday. I heard the song "From a distance" by Nancy Griffith, on my iPod. (You can hear her sing it by clicking here) and I sat by my computer and cried. Jack came in and licked my hand and sat down by me offering his silent support.
Someone once told me if you are feeling blue, you should look at the calendar. So, after my ten minutes of indulging myself, I did, and noted that next Wednesday is my mom's birthday. She would have been 83 years old.
Lucky for me, I cried for a bit and then did what any Pollyanna eternal optimist would do. I pulled up my bootstraps or my brastraps or whatever was handy and tried to figure out what I needed to do to get out of my funk. You can laugh all you want but the things they tell you to do really do help....if you can make yourself do them. Like counting your blessings and being grateful for all of them, sending a nice email to something or doing something for someone else or calling a friend or going out and getting some exercise....it works. You have to act the way you want to feel or "make the motion, and the emotion will follow" as one of my good friends once told me.
Maybe women do these things. Sorry for the generalization. Reminds me of my favorite quote in "The Grapes of Wrath" spoken by Ma Joad:
Well, Pa, a woman can change better'n a man. A man lives sorta - well, in jerks. Baby's born or somebody dies, and that's a jerk. He gets a farm or loses it, and that's a jerk. With a woman, it's all in one flow, like a stream - little eddies and waterfalls - but the river, it goes right on. Woman looks at it thata way.
So there you have it. I do bleed, but mostly in private. Mostly, I choose to be happy and be responsible for my own happiness. I believe that life truly is good, and won't apologize for all my t-shirts with that sentiment on them. My mama always said "It will be better in the morning".
And almost always, it is!
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