dreams of grandpa O

My dad's dad, a rather serious Finn named Simon (I can't remember his middle name), has been dead for many years. Maybe at least 25. I was, for some reason, his favorite grandchild even though he never would let me drive a tractor cause I was "just a girl". Even in his somberness, he was more interactive and affectionate than my grandma O. who I remember as being always sure she was dying of something (and of course, eventually she was). The only time I remember her touching me was when she braided my hair in French braids that were so tight that my face stretched like the Joker in the Batman movie. Her name was Clara. She was never very positive but maybe it was cause she worked so hard her entire life and she didn't like my mom. I don't know anything about her childhood or her parents. Maybe this is because I never asked her about them. I never dreamed about her even though I loved her. I remember one gift from her. It was a music box with a ballerina that danced on the top of it. She introduced me to coffee when I was about three. It was mostly milk but I can remember the color and the smell.

While I have thought of grandpa O off and on, I have not dreamed of him until last night. I dreamed that he was very weak because we had all neglected him for a long time. I was trying to carry him to the bathroom and he was dead weight and he was crying. I felt bad because I had not seen him for so long. I suppose that means something - some guilt about something or someone I have neglected. Maybe I feel guilty because he said he wanted me to be at his funeral and I wasn't. Or maybe it is because I never understood my own father's anguish over the death of his parents. But how could I? How can you know what it feels like till you experience it?

When it gets right down to it, a person can never do enough for other people. We can't love enough, praise enough, or give enough of ourselves - or even give enough to ourselves for that matter. There's always too much to do. And when you are a kid, you don't realize that some things will be gone after a while - grandparents, then parents and even friends. We have to give what we can. And not feel guilty about what we can't.