performance anxiety
Two days before my 15th St. George marathon (and 32nd marathon), and I have the usual and some unusual, aches and pains. Like the weird butt pain that I believe is from the water bottle I usually carry - the bottle sits on a diagnonal on my back and bounces into my left butt cheek, leaving a weird sort of pain. It doesn't hurt when I run though. I think it is all in my head.
Also what is in my head is how lucky I am to be able to do this. I don't get anxiety because I want to finish before anyone else in my dwindling age group, or even because I worry about not finishing. It's more because part of me can't believe that I can keep doing this. The premarathon days put me in a sort of reflective mood as I ponder who I should do my miles for and feel a little closer to the "other side" - meaning I feel my mortality and the fleeting time we all have and that I am taxing my body and how amazing it is that our bodies withstand such abuse (Yeah that was a long sentence). It seems odd that I should like this feeling. It's a little secret I carry around with me all week. I don't talk much about it, but people know I am going. "How far is a marathon?" some ask. Others say "Wow, I could never do that". But most of them could if they chose to. I am not special because I do it, but inside it gives me a powerful feeling and nothing much can hurt me too much.
This week the weather went from 89 degrees on Monday to a high of 46 today. It snowed on my way home from work - briefly. It snowed here before it snowed in Michigan which amazed my sister. Tomorrow Jack and I will run the last run I will do before the marathon. I will go to work for a few hours before heading to St. George and saturday I will run 26.2 miles.
When I am running I won't think of my imaginary friend Jennifer. This is one thing I can do that she can't, but it isn't about that for me. She is really, deep down, a nice person and if she was real, would wish me well and I might even run a mile for her - it is my insecurities that make her into the perfect imaginary bitch she is.
Instead when I run on Saturday I will think of my aunt Margie who is in the hospital - she is 81, the oldest of my mom's siblings. She had a hard life but is the kindest person I know. She reluctantly went to the hospital after being sick for four days. I will run and think of her and how I don't want my mom to come to get her yet. I wonder what it is to be 81 years old - would you just want to give up? I want to see her at least one more time in two weeks when I go back there. I will think also of my mom and dad who might be watching me from wherever Heaven is (hopefully it is). I will just run and be grateful because I can still do it.
And on Monday I will go back to work and things will all be the same. Except I will walk slower and have some endorphins that should last for at least a week.
Hang in there, aunt Margie.. This one is for you.
Also what is in my head is how lucky I am to be able to do this. I don't get anxiety because I want to finish before anyone else in my dwindling age group, or even because I worry about not finishing. It's more because part of me can't believe that I can keep doing this. The premarathon days put me in a sort of reflective mood as I ponder who I should do my miles for and feel a little closer to the "other side" - meaning I feel my mortality and the fleeting time we all have and that I am taxing my body and how amazing it is that our bodies withstand such abuse (Yeah that was a long sentence). It seems odd that I should like this feeling. It's a little secret I carry around with me all week. I don't talk much about it, but people know I am going. "How far is a marathon?" some ask. Others say "Wow, I could never do that". But most of them could if they chose to. I am not special because I do it, but inside it gives me a powerful feeling and nothing much can hurt me too much.
This week the weather went from 89 degrees on Monday to a high of 46 today. It snowed on my way home from work - briefly. It snowed here before it snowed in Michigan which amazed my sister. Tomorrow Jack and I will run the last run I will do before the marathon. I will go to work for a few hours before heading to St. George and saturday I will run 26.2 miles.
When I am running I won't think of my imaginary friend Jennifer. This is one thing I can do that she can't, but it isn't about that for me. She is really, deep down, a nice person and if she was real, would wish me well and I might even run a mile for her - it is my insecurities that make her into the perfect imaginary bitch she is.
Instead when I run on Saturday I will think of my aunt Margie who is in the hospital - she is 81, the oldest of my mom's siblings. She had a hard life but is the kindest person I know. She reluctantly went to the hospital after being sick for four days. I will run and think of her and how I don't want my mom to come to get her yet. I wonder what it is to be 81 years old - would you just want to give up? I want to see her at least one more time in two weeks when I go back there. I will think also of my mom and dad who might be watching me from wherever Heaven is (hopefully it is). I will just run and be grateful because I can still do it.
And on Monday I will go back to work and things will all be the same. Except I will walk slower and have some endorphins that should last for at least a week.
Hang in there, aunt Margie.. This one is for you.
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